big. small. important. seemingly unimportant. each of those decisions helped form and create the life that I live each day. though the tendency to ponder how life would be different if I'd made another choice. taken another path. reacted a different way. i want to believe that this is the human condition.
movies like the family man show this universal truth. acknowledged. understood. when I look back there are times when i wish i had said more. had more courage. listened without thinking. been kinder to myself. held more understanding. yet, given a chance, I wouldn't do things differently.
every decision in the exact way i chose provided the growth and wisdom i have today. though at times those moments seemed painful I wouldn't trade that.
I have a list of "things" life has brought my way. a list that says "see" you can hold onto this. it was hard and painful. the me today asks why. why carry it any longer.
There is a breathtaking movie playing in the theatres named about time. I've been to see it three times. the depth of which i have cried and laughed in this movie have carried over into my daily living. Please, please go see this. and then tell me what you think. there really are no words other than to experience it yourself.
It comes down to what I chose in life, now, everyday. am i choosing pessimism or joy. am i choosing old habits or gratefulness. am i choosing a grudge or freedom.
i'm a work in progress. though i know each day i can chose one of those things. each day i can look back and say i chose to see the beauty in the moment. isn't that what life is really about? the people. the love. the joy. the choice.
we've started a new adventure. a different chapter in our story that has taken us to the water. a place i find my solace. my peace. my breath.
it's been a transition to say the least. a decision made by the end of may. a move that brought us here in time for the first school picnic. a different path to school. or three different schools i might say. whorling at a different speed than our life before. challenging our courage. strengthening our family. attempting pauses to notice what we are grateful for.
we moved from mystic mountains. away from dear friends and a life we had built over eight years. to start something here closer to family. near an elusive, dreamy edge.
i've sorted the last of the boxes. now there are piles that await homes. routines settled into. ryhthm still shifting and changing but there. there after a long hiatus. breathing through overwhelm. noticing the dew settled on bikes discarded in the yard.
we have more land to roam. more places for the children to burst forth out of the house and play. trees to climb. paths to create. picnics to have. secret gardens to cultivate.
outside there is a studio. a place full of windows, white walls and tall ceilings that hold wishes and ideas. a place to cultivate my next plans. i envision twinkly lights and gatherings there. a place to swap stories and ponder dreams. it's there when i squint my eyes.
there are items yet to find a home. most of which will be donated. old journals full of ideas and ramblings may be cleared out. leaving room for new inspiration. i'm holding onto nothing that makes my heart heavy. my desire to feel light and free in this space empowers this movement. even though it feels hard at times. very hard to let go of what felt like me before.
I remind myself to breathe. to read. to give thanks and find joy in each day. I remember that I'm a part of this wild adventure called life and it should be lived.
May 1st brought 14" of snow. Yesterday, I found myself outside listening to birds and children chatter as I pulled weeds out of the garden. Rain and sunshine provided the ideal growing situation for the prolific nuisances in the yard.
I'd begun to think that blogging just wasn't in the cards this month. With family trips and big daddy trips and my girlie turning "14" time seemed to be all about the family. No time to reflect when one is "on task" at all moments. Alas, this afternoon the two littlest are happily playing amongst themselves and I have a full half an hour before I do the next school pick-up.
So how are you friends? I've missed being here.
I've been spring cleaning this month. Yes, it's almost summer with one more week of school left but I felt spring was late in arriving so I don't feel bad it's taken so long. It's exciting and overwhelming to go through "stuff" and clear it all out. This time I'm serious. I'm clearing things out that have been gingerly laid back the last ten times I've cleared out. Bags of things are being sent out to the appropriate places with a silent vow to not over-do anything again. Really how many table cloths does one need when you have one table? Plus the fact that I rarely use them? How many t-shirts does one need to own when laundry is done every few days? Dishes, don't get me started. Books, which seem to be what I love and conveniently overlook all the time, are being gone through. It's pretty liberating to clear out the books that tell me how to garden, and organize and simplify my life. My grandmother was a delight in this area and I hear her voice often lately..."Why are you holding onto that old thing?" I used to watch and giggle as I saw her clear out things that no longer served a purpose. What a great example. She also referred to books, and I must add here that she was an avid reader, as old ideas. There are a few that you hold onto like the ones you re-read over and over again but otherwise? Make room for new ideas. Let some breath in.
So that is what I'm doing. As well as loving the weather outside and attempting to soak it all in. Knitting...not much happening there. Though I have a pile of projects that need to make it onto Ravelry. Sewing...??? Crafting of any sort??? Reading...this might be what I'm doing the most of and that isn't much. Like I said it's an interesting month. A good month. A month to breathe and be.
I'm glad to have the opportunity to check in as the last photos on the blog are of snow. Though it wasn't that long ago it seems miles away with all the green bursting forth outside now.
Thank you dear friends for all the lovely comments you leave. I read every one of them and love the thoughts and ideas you share.
:: Sometimes one must have a sense of humor about the weather. One must understand that as King Winter and Lady Spring have their last tug of war all you can do is embrace it. Put on your snow boots one day and your flip flops the next. Squish around in rain boots. Watch the water drip off snow clothes by the fire. More than anything keep an inward giggle that soon all this water will bring spring flowers...hopefully.
:: Sometimes one must take your daughter to the premiere of the Sense and Sensibility Musical because really, Jane Austen rules. One must enjoy a delicious french Croque Monsieur and drink Perrier. One must listen to amazing singers tell a fabulous story and then give advice to your daughter, after the show, about how to enter the world of musicals. Then one must revel in that cool, cool day.
:: Sometimes one must organize despite the weather outside. One must go through thousands of photos and wonder what in the world to do with them all. One must wonder many times, "where did all this stuff come from"? Sometimes one then realizes that there may need to be an entire post on this later.
:: Sometimes one must apply their Crossfit motto of "Don't think just do it" to writing for an excellent magazine. One must sit and push through the moment when fingers hover over the keys and nothing, I repeat NOTHING, comes to mind. Then one must sometimes put the computer away and be grateful when the whole idea comes pouring forth mid-tooth brushing. Sometimes that's the way it goes with writing.
:: Sometimes one must realize that they are literally never going to blog again unless they can use Instagram photos once in awhile or everyday. It may not be what one would ultimately want but it seems better than total radio silence. Sometimes it's necessary to re-evaluate all the boundaries we trap ourselves in and have more fun.
:: Sometimes one must know that life if full. Interesting. Exciting. Worth being here for. Sometimes, one must embrace the current moment and dance with the winds of change.
A foot of snow sits outside as I write this. The windshield wiper, just on the drivers side, was broken when we went to sweep snow off the car this morning. Yet, I feel the promise of Spring in the air. Throw open the windows, feel the fresh breeze waft through kind of promise.
I've been catching up on a few of my favorite blogs since returning home. The theme...change. It's out there. It's being felt in so many ways. Resulting in many thoughts and epiphanies. Many feelings of over-whelm. Change. I feel it. I welcome it. I've felt limited. Limited by myself. Limited by how I've set things up.
We had an amazing trip over Spring Break. One that you look forward to and plan and think about for months ahead. The trip very much apart of our dinner conversations and chats over lattes in the morning. A trip to celebrate the big daddy and a big birthday happening this summer. Though, I felt unable to share it here. For the sake of boundaries. For the sake of feeling unsure how I felt about others knowing. limited.
The photographs I take for the blog are just that..."blog photos". I recently went through my library and realized that so many photographs of my children are half a face, no head, from above kind of photos. Not a lot of "real" photos of my children. For someone that has an interest in photography I found that mildly disturbing. In fact, so disturbing that over Spring Break I took only photos that showed my children's faces. Their personalities. Who they are today. Faces I want to remember.
So, I'm noticing these things. And, I'm no longer okay with them.
This past July my littlest turned two. Two. I panicked. Mostly because I have spent a good part of my children's youth being pregnant, tired, nursing, over-weight, and not fast enough to keep up with them. The day after my girls birthday I began researching. I've changed the way I eat. In October, the big daddy joined me, to help make it easier, as well as he saw the results in me. In November, my super-fit sister in law came for a visit over Thanksgiving. I researched Crossfit gyms for her to attend while she was here. It turned out that they happened to have an introduction class a few days after she left. I decided to go, just to see. I thought it would be too intense, as most outsiders think. It was hard. It challenged me. I came home and told the big daddy, "I LOVE it!" There it was. My place. After all this time. I now call myself a "cross-fitter". Though I've never even mentioned it here. A big part of me.
Do you see where I'm going with this? How many places do we limit ourselves? How often do we alter who we are to fit into certain parameters? How many times are we not honest with ourselves and what we want?
This blog, Enchantedmama, I started over four years ago to bring more creativity into my life. A way to provide more tangible results. Then, it shifted ever so slightly to document our stories as a family. A way to look back and remember things I would have forgotten in the blur of pregnancy and exhaustion. Now? Well, that's what I'm working on. I've felt a bit stalled here. Limited in what I can share here. I toyed with the idea of changing it completely. Moving to another site. Another name. Another focus. I've realized though that it has everything to do with me. I'm the change that needs to happen. Not the font, or colors. Though, I will more than likely do that too! Moving would just be delaying what really needs the shift. Me.
So, I start from here. Feet firmly planted on the ground. Eyes open. And, I'm pleased with that.
With the theme of change circulating "out there" this spring my version will involve looking into those places where I limit myself.
I want to bring more here. I want to show you what inspires me. I want to know what inspires you. I would like to have this blog change along with the seasons. Movement. Freedom. Change.
I want to notice this Spring. I want to look it in the eye and say, "Yes!".
Birds have always symbolized change in my life. Even as a young child. Today, as I write this post by the window, latte in hand, there are over thirty Robin Red Breast birds in my snowy yard. My little two year old kept saying, "Birds. Birds outside." "uh-huh." I would oblige between sentences. "No, mama birds!" "Okay, sweetie pie." She grabs my hand, "Come now. Birds!!!" Roused from my writing I walk over to the window and see a festival, a gathering of over thirty birds. "Birds!!!" I yell. She smiles.
They are still there. Ruffling their feathers and looking positively fluffy. Like a big warm winter coat. So simple yet so telling. If birds mean change. And, I'm writing about change. And, there are over thirty birds outside right now...that has to mean something right?!!???!
So, as I was saying*...you know, about the elusive light in February? The last time we had a chat?
Well, lets just say I'm elated that March has come knocking and pushed the brown, gray, icy-thing past us. March whispers of Spring. Green shoots peek through the monotone ground. Warm sun dances on faces as we sit and ponder. Bikes emerge from the garage. More rain boots, less snow boots crowd the front door and back door...and every door for that matter!
Life is full. Just like yours. Crammed with fevers and books. Warm meals and homework. Class plays and shelter projects. Play dates and soccer practice. "You are my Shun-shine, my only shun-shine..." sung by a two year old. Trips to see family and crazy-sweet cousin hugs and tears. Clearing out and bringing in. Crocheted afghans and bach suites from our cellist. Amazing soup ala the big daddy(he must share this recipe soon) and exercise. Yes, exercise. I know. Time to find our bearings as this season begins its slow transformation to SPRING!!!
Won't it be grand? I couldn't be more excited. It just seems like this year it will be brimming with possibility. Answers to age old questions. Time to soak up a bit of nature in less than three layers of clothing.
So, there it is. I'm here. Taking photos. Knitting. Tending. Attempting to read a lot. Thinking about my garden. Chasing after children. Recognizing when to stop and look. If there is anytime to do this it surely is Spring. The tiny buds waits for no man/woman. So you better get out there and notice.
Happy Wednesday to you all.
*As I was saying...a tricky way to get you to think that the month that has passed without blogging was imaginary. Not real. Just a parlor trick, if you will. Rather, I just paused in conversation and then resumed with what I was saying. Did it work?
This holiday break brought an unexpected visitor on Christmas afternoon. "The fever" hit the first of the four children after a trip to the park and an epic snowball fight. "Twas a mean one too lasting three days for each child plus recovery time.
Our entire vacation has been an adventure of one fever ending as another started. Many pots of soup were made. Loads of vitamin packed fruits and vegetables were turned into appealing forms. Books were read and naps taken. As though to add to the adventure the big daddy flew out of town before New Years to be present for family who needed his help. We are so grateful that he could be there though he was missed. The first turn of the calender year that we weren't together in sixteen years.
Our new years included a quiet evening with neighbors and the children without fevers. New Years day we ate black-eyed peas and cut out snowflakes to decorate the house. The white confetti strewn on the floor proof of our efforts.
I feel as though I have tripped and stumbled into 2013. With so many posts planned and dropped as yet another fever spiked I've had to re-evaluate and be patient. Quiet. Recognizing what is right in front of me. Tend the fever. Stir the soup. Read a pile of books. Tuck the children into bed early. My mantra.
I've loads of things to share. I'm not sure whether I'm happy about the break ending so soon. When was the part where we played? Crafted? Skied? The lazy mornings and pajamas a welcome event, or the only event, as the case may be.
Today we moved out the christmas tree. The lovely lady who stood and sparkled since November 28th. The walls now seem a bit bare but the open space has allowed a bit of breath.
Slowly but surely I will live into the new year. "2013". The feeling of being "behind the ball" will fade. All the children will feel more themselves every day.
Life is, after all, unpredictable and exciting all rolled together. Truth be told I agree with the line in the "Parenthood" movie---I would much rather take the roller coaster of life than the merry-go-round every day. The adventure proves more about who we are anyway.
The jeep roared to life under me. I roll down the windows and shift into gear. The memory of driving a jeep in the desert with my brothers as children, parallel parking between grease wood bushes, always makes me smile when I drive a stick shift.
I turn in the direction of my girlie's volleyball practice and feel the wind flip through my hair, the warmth of the sun on my back as I shift again into second gear, then third. The weight of a sick boy at home, a day with a plumber ripping through my backyard and the lull of a cloudy Monday lifts quietly, slightly. I shift into fourth and tackle the hill in front of me as I focus on my breath and the gears. Down to first, second, third, second, first, stop. Only five minutes from our home to her yet it feels like "my time". The first of the day.
The rhythmic shifts steer me out of my head and into the moment. I pass a car on my right, the music blaring. Van Morrison, so I smile. The wind embraces me and I'm there. Totally there. The worries left behind.
I'm breathing the moment.
All day I'd wondered if I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Compared to what I "am" doing.
Today I tended a cold, wrote a ridiculous check to the plumber and wondered. I cleared up a room and made lunch. I laughed, read Mr. Putter and Tabby, lay on my belly doing a puzzle in the middle of the floor and watched my two little ones turn the couch into a jungle gym. So simple. So real. So grateful.
I'm in the midst of life and it's amazing and grimy and breath-taking and some days just plain challenging. Though in the jeep, in the wind, shifting gears I realized that I was right where I needed to be. Doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing because that.is.what.I'm.doing.
You know how sometimes you work towards a project and when finished your expectations far exceed what you ever thought they could be? Then sometimes you have high hopes for a creative idea and then your expectations fall flat on their ever-loving-face?
Well...this is Mr. Stripey guy. The name I dubbed this sweater when I started it in September 2010. It was a blur of inspiration. A simple sweater design with the intention of using all the bits and bobs of yarn in my stash. I thought by using one color that it would work. As in be brilliant. Um.
There were four baskets gleefully filled with small skeins of yarn in four colors. One basket held the purples for my oldest girlie. Another basket held greens for my oldest boy. Another full of blues of every shade. The last pinks and reds for my littlest one. Yes, I thought it was the best idea I'd had for awhile. In fact, I wrote about it here even though I think I wasn't sure about it then either.
The farther along I knit my smug smile began to fade. Maybe, just maybe this would look great. Or it could look really, really bad. You know the kind of bad that you hope you never have to wear? The kind of bad that they write songs about. The kind of bad that might be referred to as "lovingly made at home".
All that is right here. I realized once the body and one sleeve were done that something wasn't right about it. No matter that it was meant for my two year old who is now almost five. Realistically, he could get away with a sweater like this but should he? I ask you.
The other baskets sat untouched. The wind blown out of my proverbial sails. The blue version above sat and sat in that sad little basket. A spider moved in and made himself an elaborate home before I decided to pull it out this past weekend, while stash busting, and access the damage. With two inches of one sleeve to finish I figured it would be more work to take it apart than to finish it.
The sweater is too small for my boy now, thankfully. Mr. Bear, well he wasn't so lucky, or fast. I held the sweater up in his general direction. Guessed that he always wanted a sweater of his very own and bam...bear bundled in a sweater and ready for winter.
My expectations shifted long ago. I love that Mr. Bear seems happy. He saw a lot of play action today in the house. Does he look more friendly and approachable because of the sweater? Let's say,"Yes". Did I expect it to turn out this way on that day of inspiration so long ago? no.
Sometimes, if we're lucky, things really do turn out so much better than we imagined don't you think?
For most of the day today, I thought it was Wednesday. You know how that just kinda happens sometimes? The Big Daddy and I attended an outdoor prodution of Shakespeare's, The Twelth Night. What a delightful date night. Talented actors and a cool evening to boot. Lovely.
We had a watermelon seed spitting contest and with all our spitting attempts it turns out that, after we immediately disqualified the big daddy as he grew up spitting sunflower seeds, we are a sorry lot of spitters. I mean, our neighborhood friend far out spit us. We might need to train before competition next summer. Really it was quite sad.
We gathered wildflowers and there's been knitting for some new babes. I'll share that soon. Also, some knitting for myself...I know. I'm thinking Fall and my new luscious top will soon meet...across a crowded room it's bound to be love at first sight.
The Big Daddy's been a'grillin'. Delicious bounty from the local farm share we won and from our own garden. It's just too exciting. What will we do without all the fresh veggies that are flying around right now? Oh, did I mention that the peaches, you know the freestone peaches, the best peaches are arriving soon? I'm so excited I can barely contain my giddyness.
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